Stacy ‘Yeah, I’m gravitationally challenged so STFU’ Abrams claims to want gyms closed, but doesn’t want her gym closed. Why? Because she is in training for the Summer Olympics to be held in Tokyo in 2021.

Since pole vaulting is her specialty, she has tried to use the DPA to force Johnson and Johnson, the makers of Q-Tips, to make 100,000,000 vaulting poles for her as she generally breaks over 1000 with each training session. “Hey, we don’t need no vaccine, get ova ‘yadamnselves and get me sumadem poles, ‘ya feel me?” They did.

The high hurdles is another of her specialties. Here, she forced 3M to create a ‘ventilator hurdle’ which blows forceful air upwards aiding Olympians to get over hurdles more easily. She also requested her hurdles be made of diamond-encrusted peanut shells to honor Georgia. “Don’t gimme no lip, ‘jusdoit o ahh sue ‘yadamnasz”! They did too.

Training daily on the rock climbing wall has given her superhuman thunder thighs. She has already threatened Joe Biden with crushing his empty skull if he doesn’t pick her, then of course eating him afterwards. “Hey, crushing this guy’s noggin’ won’t be nuthin’ compared to how we’re gonna crush Orange Man”.

We think Stacy has a good chance to bring home Gold next year and wish her the best in both her Olympian goals and VP quest. Ms. Abrams is an inspiration to us all as she chases her dreams. Best of luck Stacy.