How to Properly Insult a Democrat

Beginning this fall, school systems will replace Dodgeball with Dodgebullet

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Luckily, gyms throughout this great nation of ours are empty, so they can be remodeled for the fall season. In inner city schools, the walls are being replaced with special bullet absorbing padding. This will serve three purposes. First, bullets won’t ricochet and hit bystanders watching the new game. Second, they will soften the blow to unlucky kids. And last, the blood spatter can be easily washed off before the next gym class.

You would think parents would be up-in-arms, but you would be wrong. Why? Parents are so sick of kids being home and trying to teach ’em stuff they themselves don’t know they’re willing to try anything at this point. Anything.

Now of course masks and gloves will be mandatory. We certainly don’t want any kid getting sick while they’re dodging bullets. Since some kids are just way faster than others, blindfolds will be used to handicap all the kids on the track and field team.

To offer a more ‘realistic’ experience, gas masks will be available to those who want more street cred. For kids who are a bit reluctant, Codpieces and Kevlar vests can be rented at additional cost. Naturally, girls want in, with steel chastity belts and breastplates available; costs to be ‘determined’ by the male gym staff.

Classes in rioting, looting, arson and general mischief will be available this fall. Introductory classes will include box stores, auto parts stores, malls and minority owned businesses. Advanced classes introduce pink AR-15’s for girls, blue for guys and rainbow for everyone else. Classes are filling up fast. Have fun out there.

TEASER #6

“I cannot and will not recant anything, for to go against conscience is neither right nor safe. Here I stand, I can do no other, so help me God. Amen.” Martin Luther April 18, 1521

● While living in Baltimore, Detroit, Chicago, San Francisco or L.A and wish to declare asylum in Guatemala, vote Democrat.

● If willing to donate your citizenship to an illegal alien, vote Democrat, then self-deport.

● If you support the Congressional Meesohorny Sexual Escapade Fund, vote Democrat. It’s the ‘patriotic’ thing to do.

Cities around the country protest the killing of George Foreman

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The sheer embarrassment of it all. Here you have a world boxing champion, one of the strongest men to have ever entered a boxing ring now being held down by a guy 1/4 his weight. How could such a thing come to pass?

Let’s start at the beginning. George was at his usual 7-11 buying up all their hot dogs and sausages. He usually carries around a few dozen grills at all times. He’s really strong. When trying to pay, he pulls out a 50 dollar bill. Everything was going swimmingly until the guy behind the register notices that instead of Ulysses S. Grant on the bill, low and behold was a picture of George Foreman himself.

The look on the guy’s face was priceless until he realized Foreman was deadly serious. He actually wanted to pay for all that stuff with this bogus $50. To make matters worse, Mr. Foreman was shoving all those plump juicy dogs into his mouth, swallowing them whole. No chewing. Very impressive. Wait until Joey Chestnut hears about this. And this was without any dog dunking. Doubly impressive.

Luckily a customer called 911 and about 30 minutes later, two cop cars come screeching to a halt and out pops 4 Minneapolis cops. Of course, by then little Georgie had downed almost 100 dogs and wanting more.

A tussle ensued both inside and outside the 7-11. After throwing all the cops around with one hand and searching for some chips to have with those dogs with the other, the cops finally had enough. Luckily, George was shortly found taking a nap in the middle of the street. It was there that he was held down having eaten one hot dog too many. As we all now know, the autopsy showed over 50 hot dogs in George’s lungs, the obvious cause of death. So now you understand what all the looting and rioting is all about. Information is indeed a powerful tool in the right hands. A sad day in America.

Rioters found to be COVID-19 Zombies

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This virus does things to people nobody could have possibly predicted. We already know it makes you smell funny and become tasteless. Just look at how these people are dressed. No style, disheveled, xenophobic, homophobic, islamophobic, you name it……oh wait, sorry, wrong list.

It appears some people who are infected with COVID-19 walk around looting with their arms outstretched. Don’t they understand you can’t steal stuff like that? Others carry around vials of their infected blood to demonstrate the virus is making them do it. Maybe the rioters go around with outstretched arms to measure artwork they just stole. I mean it has to fit and be sized properly for the homes they just burned down. Come on man.

Recent autopsy studies have shown the brains of infected rioters created massive holes in their skulls whereby they have to cover their heads just to prevent rain from getting in as you can see. Some have even been forced to wear octopuses on top of their heads as shown above. Apparently, the sucking action of octopuses keeps their brains in place. Who knew?

Now we know exactly why the police are letting these people alone. These walking dead are just oozing the virus. It now seems obvious these ‘people’ are burning everything to generate heat to kill the virus. Brilliant.

Just today, police have been equipped with brain-destroying weapons from the Walking Dead and have been reviewing re-runs. Gretchen Widmer has not been seen for the last 24 hours for obvious reasons. Run, Gretchen, Run.

TEASER #5

“I cannot and will not recant anything, for to go against conscience is neither right nor safe. Here I stand, I can do no other, so help me God. Amen.” Martin Luther April 18, 1521

● If you can’t recognize nor admit Global Warming is a Blessing, vote Democrat. (Outer Space is 450 friggin’ degrees below zero!) And you want to make the Earth colder? Are you kidding me? Google it.

● While living in Baltimore, Detroit, Chicago, San Francisco or L.A and wish to declare asylum in Guatemala, vote Democrat.

● If willing to donate your citizenship to an illegal alien, vote Democrat, then self-deport.

‘Minnesota Nice’ not just a slogan but a way of life

There’s just something about Minnesota.

Maybe it’s because it smells like cheese all the time where nobody can figure out who cut it. And the fact there are precious few Brooklyn Hipsters to compete with the multi-racial metrosexual Minnesota hipsters does have its appeal. Oh yeah, did I mention every citizen of Minnesota has a cabin by the lake provided by the government?

This state and the Twin Cities is the home of Target. Yes, Target. No wonder they were giving out all sorts of free stuff the other night. Seems like everyone was just cashing in their EBT cards (Everyone Burn Target) at the same time and getting exercise by hammering every cash box until it opened. Who needs gyms when Target provides ready-made workouts with 65″ TV sprinting, baby clothes jogging, and shopping cart filling contests?

And just because the Minnesota State Fair motto, “We-a-for-Sharia” has not caught on doesn’t mean the Quran is not favored over all other religious texts. We understand that the deep-fried Somali dog testicles were a real hit at the fair this year. Ilhan Omar for President?

In the end, Minnesota Nice simply means everyone gets along. Auto parts stores are always having fire sales. Every night after sundown, every Target opens their doors for the entire community to enjoy. The Police Stations are always open to the public except during those unforeseen times when they look like Chernobyl.

And as just about everyone knows, in Minnesota, “Diversity is our Strength” is not just a slogan, it’s a way of life. The best example is how the Governor has asked the maker of M&M’s (Mars and Murrie) to refer to themselves as Muslims of Minnesota putting tiny images of Mecca and Medina in place of the letters M and M. Peace and harmony are ways of life in the Land of 10,000 Lakes which is why the Olympic Committee is so interested. Who can blame them?

And as our President says, “What have you got to lose?” Exactly.

TEASER #4

“I cannot and will not recant anything, for to go against conscience is neither right nor safe. Here I stand, I can do no other, so help me God. Amen.” Martin Luther April 18, 1521

● If most American jobs should be eliminated to make way for a welfare state, vote Democrat.

● If American women should wear Hijabs, vote Democrat.

● If post-term abortion seems appropriate, vote Democrat then consider aborting yourself since it’s safe, legal and rare.

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