How to Properly Insult a Democrat

VOTING GUIDE FOR GENXYZ, MILLENNIALS AND BOOMERS TOO

Ocasio-Cortez recommends money laundering to fight coronavirus

Visionary intellectual and United States Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez of New York has has issued a statement defending money laundering to keep safe during coronavirus.

After Ocasio-Cortez’s campaign manager Saikat Chakrabarti was charged with funneling over $1 million in political donations into two of his own private companies, AOC is defending the allegations of money laundering.

“Money laundering is a fine activity–and it’s actually necessary these days. Have you seen how many germs are on money? And with coronavirus going crazy, we need more money laundering than ever!”

“We owe it to our children to create a country with clean money that’s free of germs. That’s why we’re going above and beyond what Chakrabarti did and we are creating a federal agency dedicated to money laundering.”

The agency will be based out of the US Treasury, which had recently issued a zero-cents AOC coin. Money already comes in to the facility if it has been severely damaged. Now, cash and coin will be making a trip through the federal money laundry every year.

“I personally don’t carry cash because I’m in a lot of debt and stuff,” Ocasio-Cortez said sagely, “but this will be a boon to everyone who does carry money in their pockets or purse. You can call it a New-Green Deal,” she said and laughed hysterically.

Experts say there are other benefits to money laundering.

“I’ve heard we might even be able to eradicate smallpox, syphilis, and other dangerous diseases because they’re transmitted through dirty money.”

Ocasio-Cortez responded to critics saying, “If you don’t like the New Green Deal, then why don’t you come up with your own stupid solutions to fake problems? We’re in charge now and you do what we say!”

Genesius Times

We strive to provide the most up-to-date, accurate fake news on the Internet. Our team of journalists, hacks, and starving writers only want one thing: to make you laugh and/or cry.

GT’s Definitive Guide to Panicking During the Coronavirus Pandemic

There has been a lot of confusion during the chaos of the coronavirus plague and pandemic. The CDC has said that the current outbreak of stupidity may be worse than coronavirus. Do not listen to them! We are hear to set the record straight and ensure that you reject all reason in this crucial time.

1. If you’re not screaming at the top of your lungs, start.

This is no time to be quiet. Yell, scream, flatulate. And definitely turn up the volume on MSNBC! Anything but staying quiet will do. The more people hear loud noises, the more likely they are to panic like you, which helps you panic even more.

2. Buy toilet paper.

President Trump has unleashed all the power of the federal government to combat this dreaded disease, including opening up the Strategic Toilet Paper Reserves. Go out and buy toilet paper! This will not save you from the coronavirus, but it will make you feel prepared to starve to death on the toilet hiding from it.

3. Definitely do not look at the data!

The data show that the elderly—especially those with heart or respiratory conditions—are at risk of dying from COVID-19, but that younger people are not. In fact, it’s likely that younger people may have already had the disease without noticeable symptoms. But this would likely decrease the panicking, so DO NOT LOOK AT THE DATA. Only continue to listen to sensational news outlets!

4. Crash the economy.

Everyone knows that the best way to fight infectious disease is to have a really bad economy so that resources cannot be allocated efficiently. The best thing to do during this pandemic is to quit your job, stop buying anything (except for toilet paper) and short sell all your stocks.

5. Be suspicious of all people from Asia.

We all know that coronavirus was created in a secret laboratory in Wuhan China to kill off half the world’s population. So, it makes sense to be suspicious of everyone who looks Asian. If they don’t have the disease, they probably helped create it. Stay away!

6. Wear a creepy-looking face mask.

Health professionals say, “There’s no evidence that wearing masks on healthy people will protect them. They wear them incorrectly, and they can increase the risk of infection because they’re touching their face more often.” But it helps people think there’s a crisis so encourages panicking. It helps if it’s one of those stupid skeleton jaw masks.

7. Completely wrap yourself in grocery bags.

There is evidence that drowning yourself in hand sanitizer can be hazardous to your health, but completely wrapping yourself in bubble wrap can be equally useless and terrifying. wrapping yourself in grocery bags is nearly as effective.

Genesius Times

We strive to provide the most up-to-date, accurate fake news on the Internet. Our team of journalists, hacks, and starving writers only want one thing: to make you laugh and/or cry.

TRIED AND FAILED

Listen up GenX/Millennials: What is it about Democrats that make them not understand the term “Tried and Failed”? Take UBI. It’s been tried in America as the “Negative Income Tax Experiment”. Tried and Failed. So vote Democrat if learning what actually works is just too boring. Socialism ? Tried and Failed. Communism? Yep. America next? Only if you don’t remember the term “Tried and Failed ” and more importantly if you continue to vote Democrat.

DROP YOUR WEAPONS

As a gun-control advocate, vote Democrat, and here’s a sure-fire way to git-er-done. First, get a list of all registered Democrats. Next, have them turn in all their firearms. Voila, a 50% reduction overnight. See how easy that was? Next, have all Democrats give up their gas-guzzlers and oil-burners. Voila, no more Global Warming. Sheer Genius.

SCIENCE VS MATH

Since you believe in global warming, vote Democrat, but here’s some really disappointing news. The science, that’s right, science and mathematics of prediction, proclaim that all predictions are unreliable 3-5 years out and thus global warming predictions are by definition unusable, useless, misleading and dangerous. Climate predictions being the equivalent of a monkey throwing darts; no offense to monkeys.

HOLLYWOOD

If you love Hollywood, vote Democrat, but do you know why everything Hollywood touches turns to s**t? No? Sure you do. It’s because movies and TV have become overwhelmingly preachy and that stuff still belongs to religious instruction and parental morality directives. And most of these ‘Hollywood stars’ are just plain creepy.

GLOBAL COOLING

Since global warming causes global cooling which causes global warming which causes global cooling, vote Democrat. With the unprecedented cold headed this way that’s exactly what you are going to hear from the MSM. Now, try and convince yourself that you understand what they’re saying, and even more importantly that they understand what they’re saying. You don’t. They don’t. Oh yeah. Let’s get rid of fossil fuels so you feel what frostbite feels like.

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